


my sloppy joe

by kakyoinshairnoodle



Category: Homestuck, Minecraft (Video Game), Minions (2015), ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, モブサイコ100 | Mob Psycho 100, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Acrylics, BTS dies, Bara tits, Broadway Karkat, Brratatataaaaa, Bruno Buccellati is having twins, Cancer caused by sloppy joe, Child Support, Coffee Addiction, Divorce, Dorime, Drug Addiction, Familial Issues, Fart, Guido Mistas dick cheese, High end cars, Homelessness, Homophobia, Illegal Immigration, Its been sooo lonnngg (five nights at freddies dubstep drop), Jalk, Jared Face, Jolyne is mayor, Joshu is dead, Kakyoin is a gamer, Karkalicious, Ketamine overdose, Kokichi oma commits arson, Lore - Freeform, MILF, Male stripping, Mattress stores, Miami, Money, Money laundering, Mpreg, Multi, Out of Character, Propane pyramid scheme, Rat, Rat cube, Ridiculing in general, Ridiculing the homeless, Robbing, Rohan, STDs, Severe fortnite addiction, Slommy, Stockholm Syndrome, Tax evasion, The Ghetto, Twins, Twitch Streaming, US citizenship, Underground vape distribution, Za warudo, british accent, dumpster diving, failing marriage, fart bitch, hit and run, kpop, levihan - Freeform, olive garden, rocks, sloppy joe, this is for Rachel, two trucks having sex, unzip fast shit action, zoodles primavera with grilled chicken 16.99
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-22 14:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22251031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakyoinshairnoodle/pseuds/kakyoinshairnoodle
Summary: a curious young homeless cowboy swallows a sloppy joe whole and meets two money laundering and tax evasion expertsreigen and rohan were part of a loving family and witnessed the powerful man alive swallow a sloppy joe, they sustain their glamorous lifestyle through dubious activities (tax evasion, and money laundering). they are willing to take the young man under their wing, find out for yourself coward. they might have sex, find out.follow diego brando and his struggles with his on and off marriage with guido mista and his split custody between his two kids, narancia and fugo. what rocks will he eat and who will he kill?Dio on the other hand just a prideful lineage and only want the best for his son. he does not however care about his other illegitimate children and pawns off of them with his wife, enrico pucci. he just wants to believe that giornos future will be brighter than his diamond encrusted acrylics.explore the highschool environment with jouske higashikata (4) and the rest of the youth of jojo (and outside of it)kakyoin, a would famous gamer and streamer, goes on daily jalks with his fellow stardust crusaders, witnessing homelessness and mpreg alike
Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Karkat Vantas, Diego Brando/Guido Mista, Diego Brando/Hot Pants, Ghiaccio/Melone (JoJo), Hange Zoë/Levi, Hermes Costello/Kujo Jolyne, Higashikata Josuke (JoJo: Diamond is Unbreakable)/Nijimura Okuyasu, Jean Pierre Polnareff/Nagito Komaeda, Johnny Joestar/Gyro Zeppeli, Kishibe Rohan/Reigen Arataka, Komaeda Nagito/Sans (Undertale), Leone Abbacchio/Bruno Buccellati, Narancia Ghirga/Giorno Giovanna
Comments: 31
Kudos: 55





	1. Severe homeless epidemic in kentucky

**Author's Note:**

> authers note!!! h1 luhvs! (not preps) plz do not flahme me! wbe been workin rlly hard on r storie and we r proud 2 annonce le first chaptder. id like 2 ad tht 1 of my biggst inpsiratons fr thus storie is tara & raven, le authers of my imortel!! anywas, ok!! thx 2 summa & mar fr all da help on le fanfic!1 plz enjoi !

Today was a normal day in kentucky....the sun was high in the air and burning hotter than Gyro’s bleached asshole. The homeless camp was a lot more stuffy and crowded on this midsummer Tuesday, and the smell of rancid, unwashed hair clung to the air. Johnny and Gyro sat idly in their makeshift front yard, both of their tents unwashed and dirt ridden behind them. Garbage filled most of the campes surroundings, butt Johnny and Gyro’s area was immaculate as could be. From a distance, they could see Doppio and Diavolo’s tent wide open, Doppio putting on the sleezy makeup he was to wear to his stripping job. Tonight happened to be sloppy joe night, to which Johnny and Gyro would often try to go to. However, with the economy crumbling under itself, they probably wouldn’t be able to make it tonight. Not that they minded…sloppy joe night tended to get a bit messy...especially in the later hours of the night. Often the duo wondered about Doppio’s other roommate, Diavolo. He was a true cryptid, often never leaving his tent or just never home, which seemed to be the case most of the time. Diavolo even works the same job as Doppio, but the two are never on stage together. Johnny always wondered if something weird was going on between the two of them...not like it mattered. Doppio curiously looked over at the two, waving gentley and then going back to doing the other wing on his eye. And then putting on the new lice infested weave he bought in an alleyway. Johnny and Gyro waved back, half-heartedly. They thought he was a bit of a weirdo, always using their stuff as a phone. There were weirder people on the other hand...in fact here comes one of them. Melone’s huge belly jiggled as he walked. Melone was having twins. Or at least people thought he was? People suspect a voring crime happened instead.

“Hi boys~” Melone cooed from afar trying to get their attention.

“Gow away” Johnny and Gyro deadpanned, all facial features going numb as they pulled off the classic and trademarked Jared Face™. Melone scoffed and walked away, glaring at Johnny and Gyro in disgust. Okay weirdo, go get ice stuck up ur butthole and get frostbite stupid. A sigh of relief swept between the two, pleased that the mpreg loser was out of their sights fo the rest of the day. Doppio walked cheerily out of his tent, closing it behind him. The retina melting pink, skimpy garterbelt and thong paired with his bralette, obviously worn out from all the times hes worn it to his job. Probably a lil musty with his stink too, i mean he constantly got a string up his bootyhole what else would it smell like? He turned to the two cowboys and smiled, going on his merry way to his wonderful job. Maybe he’s bring back some sloppy joes for everyone just like last time...johnny wondered. He’s been especially craving some as of late, which is why he was hoping to afford going tonight. He glanced over to Gyro, who was drinking a redbull he found in a trashcan in the very depths of an alleyway. Some garbage juice clung to the can still as he held it in his hand. Maybe he could go dumpster diving for the sloppy joes later when the strip club closes down. The sloppy joes would probably be covered in rat shit and cum though...so maybe he shouldnt. Johnny was brought out of his thoughts when Gyro nudged him quite harshly. 

“Johnny. Look.” Gyro prompted, changing his gaze to the two homosexual mean in a self drving tesla. Johnny looked over, gazing at the two men. There they sat laughing at all the unfortunate people that they could, pointing out as much as they could. Then, the one with the green rats nest on his head landed onto Johnny. Theyre eyes met for a split second. Johnny rolled his eyes and aimed his overgrown fingernails at the tesla, aiming very carefully. He shot, but he missed by just an inch. The man with the green cockroach on his head scoffed, to which johnny could here from afar. Carefully, the man pulled out something covered in tinfoil and started to unwrap it carefully. He pulled out the...oh my god. Is that what johnny thinks it is?? No way. With the force of a million suns, the green haired man threw the sloppy joe. It flipped through the air, some of the sauce and meat spilling out and shining gloriously beneath the suns rays. Just what Johnny was wanting. He practically groaned at the sight of the sloppy joe, and got down on his paralyzed knees and unceremoniously crawled to the right spot where the sloppy joe would land. Within a second, Johnny unhinged his jaw like a boa constrictor and swallowed the sloppy joe whole. He savored the delectable juice as he licked it from his lips and chin, a drop slobbering down his neck. He was sure not even to waste that. Gyro sat, drinking his redbull as he watched the sight as if it had been normal. The green haired man looked to the other man in his vehicle in surprised. Then, without Johnny even getting back down in his chair, the tesla drove off. Johnny laughed and then planted the butt that he could not feel in his chair and smiled happily to himself. He was very pleased with his meal. Then, without johnny having to think twice, the tesla drove through the gates of the homeless camps, running over an esimate of 50 homeless, plus one civilian, Joshu, on the way. Its okay no one would miss him. It parked right in front of Johnny and Gyro. The other man that was with the green haired bitch pussy, stepped out of the car.

“Get in.” He demanded, walked over to the two, suave in his step. Johnny and Gyro looked over to the man in the gray suit and then back to each other. 

“We have much to discuss men,” he began “Names reigen arataka, and tax evasion is my game.” 

What had johnny and gyro gotten themselves into??


	2. Ridiculing the homeless is okay as long as you chuck sloppy joes at them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helow evryone! im only postign dis becuz i got tree god revoiws!! donot flam or it menz ur ar both a prep and a POSAR!!! tanks to summa dna mars fo helpin wif da chapta! MCR ROX!!!!!!11!1!

[EARLIER]

On the other hand, rohan was enjoying a nice cup of cum in his massive mansion he bought with hes fiancee, reigen arataka. They had managed the money by commiting a series of federal crimes including money laundering, tax evasion, and homosexuality. They were living it big in the suburbs, (rohan could not stand the ghetto (brra ratatatata)) rohan was watching the stardust crusaders on their daily vlog and jalk, when reigen walked out of his office, and kissed rohan on othe head. He had been hard at work evading taxes to support his wife and children. (rohan) rohan was taking a brak. They were in love. He had heard a neighbor of his was expecting very soon.

“Reigen did you hear? Bruno buccarati is having twins”

“Wow, that is incredible. Absolutly phenominal” regon replied. Reigen suggested they go on their daily walk to laugh at all the homeless and middle class citezens. Also gay people. Rohan put on his versachy thong for reigon and they walekd through the ghetto.

“Im in the ghetto@! Bratatatataa tata ratatatatataaa” rohan said, filming with his iphone x pro. He and reigen would eleminate all android and samsung users. 

“Ah! Babe look! A gay homless person ahahhah. Laugh! Laugh at the poor person” reigen said laughing. Reigen and rohan pointed and laughed at a starving bimbo on the side of the street. It was doppio. Diavolo stopped feeding doppio. Rohan and reigen continued though the ghetto, ridiculing the poor. Rohan especially like laughing at jojo fans. He and reigen would hunt them for sport.   
They passed by a coffee shop aroung the corner. Parked outside was a mersedes benz, and a rat like scaly drinking caypaychino inside. Rohan and reigen crossed the street and head for the bridge. The bridge was the prime lower-class rideculing zone. There was a sea of tents, garbage and cigarettes lining the base of the bridge. Unfortuatly, it smelt so strongly of rat cube, rohan and reigen could only make fun of them from the saftey of their self driving telsa. They hit 2 pedestrians on the way. They left their child, the oncleer at home. It was punishment for his severe fortnite addiction. He was a smart child so he didnt need a babysitter. Rohan belived in independence even if the child burnt down the house again. Just like his daddy, rohan did. The oncler remided reigen of rohan. He had rohans green, money-hungry eyes. He would be an exellent successor to their many mattress stores and money laundering schemes. He loved his family almost as much as he loved money, and those were da fax. All was going well, making fun of those less fortunate than them, until Roaham paused. 

“What is it my lovee?” Reigen questioned a hint of concern lacing his tone. Beofr e roahm could even respond, a fingernail sliced through the air, almost hitting the hood of their tesla.

“That bastard almost scratched our new paint job on our tesla!!” rohan exclaimed as he scoffed. Reigen watched as rohan pulled the sloppy joe they had been saving for lunch out of his bag. He unwrapped it with persicisom and then chucked it as hard as he could at what regeon could only assume was a homeless man that was about to get a face full of sloppy and a face full of joe. But oh was he terribley wrong. Reigen leaned against his husbands frame trying to get a good view of what was happening. All he saw was a blonde paraplegic man crawl to the sloppy joe and unhinge his jaw like a hooker waiting to get some of daddys spunk. He had seen a crippled man swallow a sloppy joe whole. Rohan and regein stare at the man, agape. Just who were they dealing with here? This had been the most powerful man they had ever seen. They needed to get him. They needed him for their money laundering. He and his other weird friend might be the key they needed to finally complete and execute their money laundering scheme. Reigen quickly pulled himself back in his seat, and Rohan put his head back inside the window, rolling it up. They both looked at each other for confirmation. With that, reigen drove off at full speed, coming around to the entrance of the homeless camp. He drove full force through the gate, driving over 50 homeless and 1 man that no one cares about and looked like a toenail dipped in hydrochloric acid. He parked as fast as he could in front of said men and got out.

“Get in.”


	3. A Dysfunctional Family, Dick Cheese, and a Bad Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STAWOP FLAHMiNG MA STOREY PREPz!!!!1111!!!11!1!!! thenk u fo r da 5 GOOD REiUWS!! i love u summa abd mars, thank u for editing dis. but mars b shore 2 giv ne bacc my MCR poStr!!! thank yuo :))

Diego sat idly in the cafe, sipping on an overpriced cappaccchiyno, the sun spilling in through the huge window. It captured all of his features in the light as he blankly stared at the mercydeeznuts benz he stole from DIO. He was waiting for his husband and his two foster children, to which he wouldnt be surprised if any of them were late. They usually were, especially his husband. He planned to gather them here at this boujee cafe to talk about familial issues with them all, and possibly the inevitability of divore. What did he care, his hubby would come crawling back to him anyways, theyve had this chat multiple times before. What’s to say a stable family is whats going to come out of this. Nothing, his husband doesnt even pay child support. The ringing of a bell signaled that someone had come into the cafe, earning Diego’s attention. Narancia and Fugo stalked over to the table, obviously not pleased that they had to be seen with the dinosaur homosexual. Not only were they probably going to be late to school (having not going the rest of the walk with their friends), but they were probably going to hear the same conversation they have heard over 5 times. They hate their foster parents quite frankly, and diego knew that. They sat down as far away from him as possible and avoiding eye contact at all costs. This is how it had been, for a while actually. He was always the one to start up the conversation. 

“Ello luhvs how r yoo 2daye?” Diego chirped, his british accent coming into full swing. It took a minute for Narancia and Fugo to actually process the indecipherable horseshit that deigo was spewing, but they managed. 

“We’re fine, thanks” Fugo spoke for both Narancia and he, not even attempting to hide the abrasiveness in his voice. Diego sighed at this response. Yep just like usual. Goddamn these stupid brats! Making their own mommy daddy look bad in public, he outta beat them with a belt if it werent morally wrong in todays standards. Really, he only attempted at being nice for his own personal gain, making him look like a good parent in public was always a plus. These brats were the trophies, and he the winner. 

“Yuo kan orda whatevea u wont lohvs,” Diego chimed in, his voice laced with fake kindness. Fugo only nodded in response, ordering for both he and Narancia when the waiter walked by. Narancia just some orange juice, Fugo tea. Diego didn’t even have to listen to know. He rolled his eyes and looked out the window, not wanting to even bother with his dysfunctional family. He sipped the cum like substance off of the top of his drink, it melting into his mouth and sticking to the roof of his mouth. Reminded him of his hubby wubby. By that he meant he and his unwashed dick and its companion: dick cheese. He glanced back to Narancia and Fugo, the two seemed to be having a cheery conversation without him. Diego looked out the window, but soon regretted it as soon as he saw his husband pull up in his beat up 1993 Ford Aspire. Guido Mista slowly got out of his car and made eye contact with Diego from the window. Mista sneered at Diego as he slowly made his way to the entrance of the cafe. Diego shrugged it off and looked in the direction of the entrance. Mista walked in, and diego could alreaady smell the BO and unwashed weiner from afar. He attempted to keep himself from scrunching his nose as mistya came closer, giving a strained and fake peck on the lips. Diego played along, but honestly was rolling his eyes internally. This bitch didnt even know what chapstick was. Like okay bro take ur sand paper lips somewhere else, a bitch feelin like he got pubes on his lips. Diego adjusted his posture so that his bara tit implants could be seen from a mile away. Fugo and Narancia happily greeted mista as he sat down, ordering some strawberry cake for himself. Diego drank his capaypaicheeno to wash the taste of mistas lips off of his own, drinking moderately. He set his drink down with grace and then looked eye to eye at his family. 

“Are we just going to have the same chat that we always do…?” Narancia piped up, a hint of annoyance and sadness hinted in his voice. Diego shrugged off his coat and then placed his chin in his palm.

“Sortah...2dai wee will haf somwon b joinin uhs” he spoke up looking over to Narancia. Narancia looked puzzled and looked to Fugo for his opinion. Fugo furrowed his eyebrows, also confused with the statement, frustration clouding his eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean? And if it’s what I think it is...why now all of a sudden?” Fugo piped up. Mista just sat there sipping on his water as he looked between his foster children and his wife. This was new whatever it was, and if it was an official divorce, thank god. He’s been trying to work himself up to not ever going back to Diego ever...but something was so intoxicating about those bara boobs of his. He couldnt understand why he kept coming back for more. Bruno and Abbacchio had been trying to counsel him through leaving Diego for good...and it was kind of working. Attempting to stay part of the conversation, Mista hummed in acknowledgement. Diego shot his a sharp glance, fuck. He wanted him to say something. Dude mista dont even pay child support, what do you want him to say?

“This water is pretty good. Crisp, cold fresh, yummy in my tummy….heheh..” Mista chirped up, to which Narancia snickered at the response. Fugo slightly smiled to himself. ‘FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT WAS SO LAME WHY DID I SAY THAT, THATs IT!! IM BEING TURNT INTO ROCK ROAST!!’ mista screamed in his own head. Diego stared at him incredulously and face palmed. Mista smiled to himself, oh well he wouldnt have to deal with it much longer. Another divorce, another day he wouldnt pay child support. The chime of the bell signaling someone has walked in alarmed the awfully functioning family, bringing their attention to the entrance.  
“Wel ere she is nowh” Diego said as he perked up. A woman with an expensive pair of sunglasses and a pink bob stood at the doorway. This bitch was a baddie. She strutted over to table where the family sit, her boots clacking against the marble tile. Her hips swayed in a rhythmic movement, her skirt swaying along. Her hair moved along gracefully with all the other features, she was a real woman and she was here to take someones bitch. She paused in front of the table, putting a hand on her hip and then removing her glasses dramatically. Her eyes were intense as she stared at the fiesta in front of her. 

“Ello Hawt Ponts luhv” Diego piped up.

“Hello gentlemen, lets get down to business shall we?”


	4. Two trucks having sex

Okuyasu, Josuke, Giorno, Narancia, Fugo, Koichi, Yukako, Trish, Reimi, Lucy, Hayato, Bakugou, Emporio and Sheigechi were all on their way to school. The Kentucky Yowi Frat Highschool Middleschool combo (KYFHSMS for short) was the school that they were all attending. All the gay people were walking together… Josuke and Okuyasu skipped in the homosexual sunlight (no homo)Giorno and Narancia were holding holding hands because gionara canon (youre welcome marshu), Fugo, trying to avoid third-wheeling and trying to give Giorno and Narancia some space away from their homophobic guardians (Dio and Diego). Fugo was conversing with Emporio. All the girls were walking with each other and doing girl things. Narancia looked over to Giorno, his cheeks flushed pink. He looked at Giorno’s golden braid falling gracefully over his shoulder. He was absolutely stunning...he just..didnt really comprehend how to put it into words. He’s asked fugo for help a couple times...but he could never really use anything. Fugo was too articulate. He’s even asked Koichi, but even koichi didnt know how he even got together with yukako it was just like a ‘force that seemed to pull them together’. Giorno was quick to notice Narancia’s staring and smiled at him softly. It made Narancia flush red, even the tips of his ears glowed a vibrant red. Narancia managed to muster a small smile back towards Giorno. This was nice. It was really a sweet moment until he quickly overheard Josuke and Okuyasu yelling

“Two trucks having sex two trucjs having sexs my muscles my muscles involuentary flex” Josuke and Okuyasu chanted as they walked to school, and Narancia was quick to join in. Giorno stared at him for a bit longer, then chuckled softly and went to look at the rest of the group. 

“Hey dont say the s-e-x word around the little kids!!!!” said Koichi, looking at Hayato, Emporio, and Shigechi. 

“Don’t care, don’t care, plus we’re literally the same height as you coochie.” Said Emporio. Trish, Reimi, and Lucy who were all walking with each other, giggled.

“DOn fuck w my man u little felon baby.” Yukako glared at Emporio. They continued to walk to school when suddenly the loud roar of a gold Lamborghini Veneno (2nd most expensive car in the world) pulled up next to the school children. A burly man peeked his head out of the car and gawked at the children in disgust.  
“Giorno, you’re still hanging out with these plebeians?!?!?! You’re tarnishing our lineage by loitering alongside them. And you know I despise homosexuals.” Dio scoffed as his diamond-studded acrylics tapped on his steering wheel. “Come along now Giorno, be-rid of those juveniles and that little boyfriend of yours.” Giorno glared at his father with an apathetic expression. What the jeck?

“Fuck off. I literally hate you.” Dio’s eye twitched when he heard those words come from his buttery son’s mouth. 

“ZA WORLDO-” And in not even the blink of an eye, Dio’s car was speeding away while plants were sprouting out of the windows and loud arguing could be heard in the distance. 

Narancia pouted, “No fair, I wish our foster dads had all that money, huh fugo? And i wish DIO wasnt so mean to giorno...i wanted to walk with him a bit longer.” 

“I mean i guess, diego can get anything he wants if he steals it. That mercedes isnt even his. And don’t worry he’ll be back before you know it.” Fugo responded. 

“Yeah thats true thanks...arent we suppsoed to meet diego at that stupid cafe calld Café du pipi or whatever…?” Narancia spoke softly, sadness tinting his words. 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU FUCKING ROTTING ORANGE PEEL?? ALSO WHO THE HELL ARE ALL OF YOU EXTRAS?? GET OUTTA MY WAY” bkaugou yelled as he shoved koichi out of the way and shoved his hands in his pocket. 

“Shut the fuck up prep none of us even know who you are!!” Emporio said with a growl in his voice. That boye was beyond his time, which is why he was currently going through his goffik phase. 

“RAAUGHRAAAAAAAAAAAAGFUhUGHGUUGGHGURAGHUgGHU GHGHhG RAUAUG GRGGRGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” bakugou then flew off into the distance on his strange explosion fart stand?? Maybe he had a lot of chipotle ??? yummy runny poopy, save some for me later! Winmkey face.

“Who is that guy??” Lucy piped up as she tucked a light blonde lock behind her ear. She latched herself onto Trish’s arm, looking up curiously where bakugou had previously fart exploded off into. He’d get along great with iggy. Josuke shrugged as he looked at Lucy, also very confused by the predicament. 

“haha... Café du pipi….heahaeaooha…” okuyasu finally said, his response 5 minutes too late. “Man ew who ripped ass, was it it you koichi?” 

“What do you mean ‘was it me’!? It obviously wasn’t! Did you not see what just happened right in front of us?” Koichi replied, exasperated. 

“Ur right...ur toots are a lil more potent…these stinkers smell a little burnt! Sorry koichi, my brain runs like a turtle on a treadmill.” okuyasou sade.

“T-turdle??” josuke, tensed up as he heard the cursed word fall from okuyasus lips. 

“Omg sorry babe, haha its okay to call you babe right haha its just a bro thing because were just bros ahaha right? No homo lol” Okuyau swaid in an attempt to comfort josuke. 

“Lol thanks baeb aha, ur right hehe thank you aha” josuke responded. 

“Okuyasu i better not hear you say that about koichis farts again!! They are to be well preserved and enjoyed like fine wine! Have more consideration, some day we may never be able to smell those fresh ones ever again.” Yukako, interjected, the annoyance she had experienced earlier in the conversation coming to full swing. She sent him a harsh glare as she put a hand on her hip and pulled koichi closer to her.

“Lol okay hetero” josuke started “ahaha right bro??” he continued as he looked to okuyasu. 

“Ahaha yeah” okuyasu replied as he and josuke gave each other the phattest bro kiss in the universe and they grabbed each others ass cheeks. Narancia looked at the two bros as he looked down at his hand. He wished that giorno was there so that he could hold his hand...maybe a kissy. He felt his face flush with heat as he thought about it. His golden hair, his turquoise eyes, his perfect li-

“Hey, Narancia, this is our turn. We have to meet up with Diego before we go to school remember? We were talking about it earlier?” fugo interrupted narancia’s thoughts as he pointed down big dick lane to where Café du pipi was. Narancia shook the thoughts out of his head as he ran after fugo, who was slightly farther ahead. 

“Later you two!” Josuke yelled out to them, as fugo turned towards them in acknowledgement. The group watched as the two disappeared down the street and then they continued their way to their awesome conjoined school, getting into shenanigans along the way. However, a little purple first grader bumped into Josuke as they were about to turn down the street to their school.

“Oh I’m sorrry! I didn’t mean to bump into you~” the purple man with dwarfism spoke, mischief lacing his tone. 

“Oh! It’s fine i guess...I’m Josuke Higashikata, and these are all my friends,” Josuke was quick to respond.

“Oh I’m glad~ I’m Kokichi Ouma nice to meet you~ However, I’m on my way to something VEEERRRY important so i must be on my now~ byebye~!!!” kokichi slickly responded as he scurried off behiond an alleyway. 

The group didn’t think of it much, just a normal guy going through life. They managed to finally make it to school in time before the bell rung and the group was happy to hang around and chat. Everything was fine, until josuke made his way over to the vending machine to get himself something refrshing to drink. He searched around frantically in his pockets and in his school bag until he jogged back to the small group in a hurry.

“Hey uh guys?? Have any of you seen my wallet??” Josuke asked frantically as everyone gasped. 

Kokichi walked cheerily down the dark alleyway as he looked merrily through Josukes wallet. He’d give it back later once he ranscaked every last dollar to fund his arson addiction. 

“Neeheehee~” is all that could be heard from the alley, a homeless man looking up at him curiously. Kokichi glowered at the man and kicked garbage water in his face as he continued down, a cheshire cat smile plastered on his face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN3 (mars): (: hanelo gaymers im writer number 3 to this fic!!! cait helped me out a lot w this chapter and we made sure to put in some gionara content for marshu (can i get a lil kissy doe??) and yeah anyways poopoo peepee ?!?!? wtf?? ? will josuek get his wallete back!!!?!??!? gionara canon (yes) we lov da girls being friends too1! and emporios a bad bitch hes seen shit bro! Dio needs to stip being himophobi c and stap flamoning! <3


	5. Rat cube-topia part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HweL:ELOOEO EvERY1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank yu 4 all da goooooooodd reeevvcicwwws!!! i hop u guyz enjoye dis chapta! tank u for summa and mars for helping me!!111 I HopE UI GUYEZ ENJOYY!!

Meanwhile, the stardust crusaders were on their daily vlog and jalk. (jog walk). Kakyoin, the world famous gamer streamer, was vlogging their daily walk as they passed through the suburbs. Their walk was from the suburbs to the homeless bridge. They passed by the largest mansion in the town, where reigen and his wife (and child) resided. It was a pleasant day. Polnareff was holding iggy, excited for the end of the walk, where he would attempt to throw iggy off the bridge. One day he thought. One day he would finally rid himself of the coffe addict fart bitch. Polnareff wasnt all excitement though. He was afraid of a young homless men who lived under the bridge. Their names were komaeda and (steven) sans. No one dare call sans by his previous alias, unless they were looking for a bad time of course. Now if you thought doppio and diavolo were cryptids, waait till u checked these guys out. There were rumors that THEY were the origins of the rat cube smell lingering around the bridge of the homeless camp. Some civilians claim hat they had been kidnapped by the two, and when they awoke, they came face to face with a rat cube empire. The smell was vile, yet the glittering crimson of the cubes were so beautiful and fascinating...it was hard to take your eyes off them. Of course they were only rumors, probably hallucinogenic drugs or something. Kakyoin turned and looked to Polnareff for his input on something.

“Hey Pol, what is your opinion on the recent arson attack on the childrens hospital? Theres this whole theory going around that the recent arsons have been a huge scheme by one individual.” kakyoin stated, his hair noodle swaying slightly in the wind.

“Well for one i think it’s awful, whoever is doing this, im going to get you. I’m literally coming for your entire lineage. We should start a go fund me so we can help the families and all the severely injured in the accident! As well as try to rebuild whats left of the hospital.” Polnareff stated, confidance evident in his french accent. All his fangilrs in the twitch chat swooned as they talked about how heroic and handsome polnareff was. Just what he was looking for. 

“Awesome answer! If you guys want to help support the cause, click the link in the description to the go fund me page! If you want to make polnareff proud, be sure to leave extra! All funds will go straight to the children’s hospital!” Kakyoin bounched back into his stream talk. Polnareff smiled, plesed that all his fangirls were behind him in all of this. He jalked merrily across the bridge looking at the beautiful world around him. Little did he know, that was about to change. He heard a strange bone clacking noise to the right of him, almost like the skeleton noise in minecraft. That set off the fight or flight instincts within him, before he had to realize that this was real life, not minecraft. He calmed down quickly, and just continued on his jalk, not thinking of it too much. Until he heard a slow and dragged out whisper...from what he could make out...it sounded like someone saying hope..? He stopped in his tracks as he looked around, nervous. This wasn’t just him over thinking anymore...someone was messing with him. He noticed that the group was getting farther ahead, so he quickly caught up instead of sticking around to investigate. As he was almost to his friends, he then he felt something hard wrap around his wrist. He froze and looked down to notice it was a bony hand...then before he even had time to react, everything went black. 

Polnareff woke up, his head pounding as he slowly opened his eyes. When he opened them however, he had seen something he had never thought hed ever seen in his lifetime. There hovering over him, stood komaeda and sans. A rotten smell hit his nose in huge waves, each getting worsr as he breathed. 

“Hey...Can you hear me…? Are you okay? ...you seem pretty out of it. ...Hey, are you listening? Here, giv me your hand. Lemme help you up.” kOMAEDA said as he wrapped his soft slender hnads around polnareffs callous and gruff ones. Polnareff blushed at the sudden contact and was slowly lifted up by komaeda. The bitch was strong for such a skinny twink. He was blinded by the light as he finally stood up. Polnareff looked at komaeda and blushed, he hated homeless people, but jeez...this one was breathtaking. He held onto komaedas hands a lot longer than he had anticipated, but was quick to let go when he noticed a skeleton man (presumably sans) glaring at him in blinded rage. Polnareff was quick to let go and wipe his hand on his pants in an attempt to not die right on the spot. He smiled nervously at the skeleton and then komaeda, who graciously stepped to the side. Before polnareff stood a rat cube city...safe haven..empire...heaven. Though it smelled like shit, the sight was gorgeuous for rats dwuished into a cube. He stared in awe at the sight, watching as missing cheerleaders from across the globe were dressed clad in skimpy nun outfits. They came up to him and bowed, making a path for him straight into the city. Komaeda came up behind polnareff and wrapped his arm around his shoulder, his hand just above polnareff fat tit. 

“Beautiful isnt it?” Komaeda softly whispered into polnareffs french ear. This was...strangelty intimate. The gliterring crimson mixed with the white nun outfits and the beautiful man whispering in Polnareffs ear almost sent him into a frenzy. He pulled off komaedas arm that wrapped around his shoulder as he glanced at sans enraged expression.

“It kind of is, i mean for dead rats and all...the rumors were real” Polnareff stated, rubbing the nape of his neck in embaradsemt. Sans rolled his eyes as he grabbed polnareffs wrists harshly as he dragged him through the entrance of the rat cube city. Komaeda pratically swooned at the response,...he was so gentlemanly and kind….komaeda built this rat city with his own two hands and to hear polnareff say that...made him very happy. Polnareff just might be the hope that rat cube city was looking for. He practically drooled at the thought of the franchmen and his croissant ass...he rubbed his legs together to gain friction. He was absolute...hope...perfection.

[Meanwhile]

“Kekeke thats so cringe jotaro aha. Whats your input polna….reff?? Polnareff? POLNAREFF?” kakyoin frantically stated as he looked around frantically for the frenchmen. Tears were pricking at the corners of his eyes. The other crusaders helped look around and they called out for him. The twitch stream went on for another 3 hours as everyone fiercly looked around for the frenchie. They came back empty handed. That day, the internet broke. Fans mourned the disappearance of the beloved man with the broom hair. Multiple fan pages went offline, twitch crashed, youtube became disabled. And dont even get me started on twitter, the whole site almost shut down in a frenzy. Where could he have gone? It was a real mystery. And no one really knew what happened until kakyoin received a strange note on his doorstep one evening. A ransom note at that.

‘Good evening kakyoin and the stardust crusaders. I have a proposition for you and many of polnareffs fans out there. If you ever want to see this baguette loving freak ever again, you will provide me and my companion with 10,000 sloppy joes, not too much and not too less. You will have the span of 1 month to gather the requested amount of sloppy joes, or else all hell will break loose. Please it is important to the fate of this town. - Sloppy and Joe.’ 

Kakyoin stood at his doorstep, his frame shaking as he held the letter tightly in his grasp. He crushed it in one hand and swore that he, and the rest of the crusaders would save polnareff if it was the last thing they do. It was their duty to collect 10,000 sloppy joes. 

“We’re coming for you polnareff, we’re coming”


	6. They are clean now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hewwo luhvs! I hoep u liek le chapter written bi urs trulie, summa!! I fel supa inspird wen i git 2 rite rohan anb reigen chaptas becuz they are rlly funnie… thx 2 mars adn cait fr le edits adn help! XXX enjoiiii

“Get in……”

Johnny was shocked. He didnt know what to say. He could hardly skweak out a word before reigen began talking. Reigen was going to bestow some wisdom upon the small parapeligic and his gay homless bf. He didnt waste a second of time and got straight to the point.

“let’s say, you’ve been a bad girl. Let’s say, hypothetically, you’ve been a naughty girl even. Ok, and if you were a naughty girl you would also be my dirty little slut right? then hypothetically speaking you would be my little cumslut. Now lets say that youre also daddys girl.”

“Hey, w-” gyro was interuppted.

“Silence. Do you wanna know the ins and outs of tax evasion or do you wanna die on the streets. The next time you intterupt reigen’s teachings, youll be the next victem under the gold rimmed tires of my tesla autopilot. 

“Telsa cybertruck wouldve been cooler.” johnny muttered under his breath. Gyro nodded in agreement.   
Reigen continued,

“Now that we have established that you are both a bad girl and daddy's girl, I believe you'd agree with me when I say that you deserve a spanking. Am I not correct? A bad girl deserves a spanking, and as I am daddy, you are my girl, so I am the one who must provide punishment.  
Rohan ajusted his freak headband, it had become one with his head. It was a part of him. 

“I- i dont understand reigen. What does this have to do with tax evasion.” also is this like kidnapping or..” johnny said.

“Its not kidnapping if you wont be missed.” rohan replied coldly. Turning the key to the engine and stratigically backing out of the scene before law enforcment came. Rohan had genocided the homless after all. He took extra care to hit those who hadnt died on the first offence.   
Johnny and gyro sat homlessly in the back of rohan and reigens car. The seats had been covered with towels before the two got in. it was understandable considering the sheer amount of gyro’s fleas. 

“First things first,” rohan continued, “you look like you havent seen soap in months.”  
Johnny and gyro looked at eachother.

“But rohan.. We just invested in opal tiles for our shower.. I even bought the ones from exploited african children! Just for you baby..” reigen said.

“You make a good point. We cant wash them at home theyll get the air dirty. We dont want our little oncler to catch homosexuality!” rohan replied, counting his couterfit money instead of paying attention to the road. 

“Ok ok, i have an idea babe dont worry” rohan continued to talk to reigen. Johnny and gyro started to lose intrest. It had been a while since they had been sitting on anything other than the ground. The car was nice and heated. The rat cube smell was growing stroger. Rohan swerved into the turning lane and pulled into a peculiar building. It had a little tunnel going through it.. Almost like a car wash..? It was a car wash..

“Ok get out.” rohan said. “Im gonna need you two to sit on the car”

“On.. the car?” gyro replied heasitantly. “Who the hell does he think he is johnny??

“I dunno gyro” johnny said.

“Who the hell do you think we are asshole!” gyro yelled, taking rohan aback a bit.

“Take that tone with me again and ur gonna have to ride it alone without your little parapeligic pal here” rohan said, pointing to the small twink cripple shrivled on the soggy carwash floor.  
Johnny was first. He couldnt put up a fight. His legs had been fastend to the top of the car like luggage on a road trip. Gyro had no choice. He needed 2 be clean. Rohan got back in the drivers seat. Reigen was leaning against the passenger seat pushing back his cuticles. Rohan pulled forward into the carwash. Gyro and johnny learned why carwashes were for cars and not people.


	7. Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken $16.99 and Nobuhiko Okamoto

Bakugou was angry… These kids that just happened to be walking near him while he was on his way to school were being SO MEAN…. “Why is evry1 so mean 2 me😔” he clenched his fists and his asshole while he flew away. He really could only rely on one person. They were su much alike and they really did feel connected… lik no one else. He took out his bright pinke barbie phone and dialed his BFFL, Ghiaccio. .

‘Ai ai ai im your littol budderfli ai ai ai im ur liddol bu-’ the ringtone was cut off as ghiaccio picked up his phone in annoyance.  
“WHAT.” ghiaccio asked, his voice strained. 

“G-friend u will not believe what just happend to me!!11!11111!!!!!!!!!!!!” bakugou yelled into his phone, his voice practically indecipherable. 

“BRO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING ME FORE?? ? ??? ? IM TRYING SO STRESSED OUT MY BF GOT PREGNANT *AGAIN* AND I CAN BARELY AFFORD RENT HOW TF AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR ANOTHER ABORTION??? ARE WE GONNA HAFT TO KEEP DA BABI? ? ?? I FUCKING HATE KIDS!!!! 

“Damn that SHIT SUCKS FOR U BRO!! ! But im different. . .” bakugou stated, “But yea ur right kids suck. Want to abandon u probs foer a sec nd go out fo boesys (boyz) night.” he demanded more than asked, his phone mic peaking. 

“YEAH BRO.. LETZ GET AWAY FROME DA CITEE LIFE JUS FOR TODAY… FUCK EDGEUCATION… JUS FOR ONE DAY..” ghiaccop paused forn a moment, “BUTT I DON HAVE A CAR SO WE GOTTA WALK.. OR I CAN ICY AND U CAN BOMBY..”

“Yea das workeds for me O;< IMMA beat u doe!! Me faster…”

“We wull reace…I WILL WON, (n)ICE KIDDO.”

“Ok butt if i win u owe me a kiss on da lips 😳😳😳” bakugou yelled into the phone. 

“I HAVE A BOYEFRIEND!!! AND SO DO U IDIOTA >:((!!!” GHIACCIO WHEEZED INTO THE MIC./

“I know i haf one… but hes so busy nowadays… being on FUKCING broadway and everything… we only get to face tyme 2 times a day instead of 7.5 ):” bakagou was complaneing againe.

“WHAT TE FUCK IS THE OTHER HALF??” ghiaccio did not know what the other half was.

“Bark bark woof woof”

“..................WEAR R WE MEETING……” ghiaccio needed 3 kno

“How eabout the alleyway next to caffè degli omosessuali. . . i woukld go in but i am homophobic and one of the ownbers is pregnant.. And i dont wan to remidn u ofe melone rn i know his pregnancy is rough fo you..” bajkagoo.

“THANK YOU fratello (broder)... FOR BEING STUPID AND ANOYYING U ARE PRETTY SMART AND COBSIDERATE, TYHANK YOU AMICO…” GHIACCIO RELPLYED. Bakgoo hung up da phone :)). 

~~~~  
Ghiaccio made sure to check that his shoes were on just right and then he activated his stand, white album. He was off before melone could even finish his pregnancy constipation shit. Bakugou on the other hand, was all prepared. His ass firm and his palms sweaty and musty. He adjusted the tie on his uniform and he was off. Both zipped through the streets, ghiaccio stopping an arson that kokichi ouma was attempting. Bakugou on the other hand, started one. Ghiaccio was going so zoomy and icy dat he froze part of the homeless camps, that were still being cleaned up after the recent genocide of a bunch of homeless people earlier today. Yummy, microwave that fo later!! As bakuchoochoo was approaching the caffè degli omosessuali, he could see ghiaccio sliding down the street. Each sped up with more momentum, thye were going b0nkers. The race was over. It was a tie. 

“Omg….we tied”

“GOOD BC FUCK U AND UR KISS, THEY PROBABLY TASTE LIKE BURNT ASSHOLE” ghiaccio stated matter of factly, venom lacing his tone. 

“Better watch out or someone else gunna wake up preggers 😳”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, ILL FUCK UR MOM”

“Omg i thought u were simping over melone….i cant bgelieve it!!” bakugou yelled in surprise!!

“YEAH WELL HAVING UR BF BE PREGNENT FOR THE 15TH TIME REALLY CHANGES A MAN, IT DESTROYS THEM IN FACT!!! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ROTTING PUDDLE OF MENSTRUAL FLUIDS!!!”

“AAARAUGHGHUEAUUHHGHRAHHAUEARRA” bakugou yelled in a frenzy of rage. Its oky tho bc karkats ass was fat. 

Soon after ghiaacuio and bahcoogo met up at caffè degli omosessuali theyre tummies were feeling a liddol rumbly… 

“I AM HUNGY” ghauciio sayed

“I AM HUNGY” babookga sayded 2. 

“WE SHOULD GO TO OLVBUVE GARBDEN… i crave Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99.”” ghico suggested

“Mee to i wand Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99. 2 yeas…” bahigou agreed. The n they walked their poor asses down to OLIVE GARDEB. When dey got there.. There were odtehr and den dey realiszed they are pporr and have no money so they walked int o the boys bathrooms and lingeured untuk some unsecpected victims mentoined Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99. Even though bakugou and ghiaccio were in the bathrooms… the lust of Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99 made them defy all normals senses of hearing.. If anyone dared to say the words “Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99” they would be in for something crazey! Some poor souls wandered into ythe facilite, 2 sounded like rich gay himbo idoits and the other 2 sounded like gay himbo beggers…. It was perfectly balanced. Balanced indeed. They could trust them. THEN… something amazing happened… from the oyther side of the restreaunt they heard the words…  
“Eight Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99. Please…” said one of the soon-to-be victims… Now they just had to wait…. 

It was midday Tuesday in Kentucky… Olive gardem was pretty empty and ghiaccio and bakugou wer e about to commit a crime. As soon as the two hotheads heard the waitress set down those sexy ass plates that were guaranteed to have Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99. Ghiaccio and Bajoko sprinted full speed, the race they had earlier was just a warm up, now they were really agaisnt da clock. Before the smelly gay homeless cowboys could gobble dowm their Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99. the plates were gone and ghiaccio and bakugho were down the street in a matter of secondes. They found a bride to hide under as they prepared to chompon they food.  
“DAYUMMM… that look GUDDDDD” ghiaccio ajdn bakugou den priceed ed to vore all da Zoodles Primavera with Grilled Chicken. $16.99. Tehy betetr b quick beofre the polic found dem. When they finbished theyre meel. Two shadowy figures appraoched them from behind. Bakugou stood up first, his sense sensing them bfo they could say anyfing. They came into the light that had been provided by a porch light from an alleywas house. 

“Drake...and...josh???” bakugou stated in surprise, omg no way das crazi. 

“Hellow boys….would any off u like some...lung hit mayhaps??” josh said, his voice low and gravely from all da vapes he be smokin.

Ghiaccio and bakugou looked at each otha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN3 (mars again): i saw some ppl post about this fic on twitter and so hello there guys.. !! i hope u guys like it!! also some people r saying that dis fic is ironic and itz not we re so seriuoys abouth this fic so pleas,,, kudos and stap flamhimng!!! anyways follow our twitters im @ mars__bean and everyone else is @ takashipanda (main writer and owner of this account) and @ summer__bean (: anyways yeah eat ass sk8 fast gaynmers.. peace


End file.
